Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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