bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
