I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Congratulations! We have a period
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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