I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize