Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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