Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
