Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
