Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
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I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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