and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
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If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
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I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize