i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
