Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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