Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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