I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
