Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
