So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
