i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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