I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
