I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
