can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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