Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
PANTIES FOUND
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize