I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
