all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
