this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
