If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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