She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
