so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
