I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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