There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
