with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize