I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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