I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
