we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
