my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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