I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
