Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I still have a little drunk in my system
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
