She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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