"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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