News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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