btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
