So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me