thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.