mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
