she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You are a genius and a whore.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
