i barfeds in our rink
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
