I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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