I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
