You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
