i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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