My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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