What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
