You really coming over, don't trick.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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