Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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