Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Houston, we have a squirter
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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