The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
