My entire life is one complicated drinking game
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
