oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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