I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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