Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
